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I know this might be a personal question, but what frequency of sex is the amount that you really want to enjoy? In your relationship because whatever the number is for you having a healthy sex life is key to a great relationship because when the sex dies, the relationship dies. Yes. And most often there's one person who wants it more in the relationship. And one person who wants it less. Are you the person who wants it more? Are you the person who wants it less? In either case, no matter how often you want it, you both have to be reaching that sexual threshold to be satisfied in the relationship. And so today I'm going to share with you 10 factors that contribute to a great sex life.

Now this information comes out of a couple of different research books. One of which is called the normal bar where Christian Northrop and her colleagues did a bunch of research in one study. They surveyed more than 70,000 people from 24 countries and found that there were 10 factors that if the people who had thriving sex lives all did these 10 factors. And so we're going to explore that right now. Factor number one is couples who had a great sex life said, I love you every single day. And meant it. Now, some of us grew up in households where I love user very common, very generous, very opulent with the, I love you's every day. You say, I love you to mom and dad say, I love you too, brother and sister, we say, I love you say he love you to kids. And I have friends where they never heard their parents say, I love you. It was very scarce, those words, but if you want to cultivate a great sex life, Start with saying those words, because words are power words, have the power to evoke emotion, not only in your partner, but also in yourself. So when you look each other in the eyes and you say, I love you and you mean it, you feel it, you evoke that emotion that connects the two of you on a deeper level.

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Number two is buying a romantic gift. One of our primary love languages as humans is receiving gifts. So if that's your partner's primary love language, giving them a gift that they're not expecting the shows that you're thinking about them or that you love them or care about them, something, or even a little sexy gift can go a long way. Number three is compliment your partner. Often Z there's certain amount of yeah. Deposits that we need as human beings in a relationship compared to the negative withdrawals that create a thriving relationship. And in one study, it was a minimum of five emotional deposits to one emotional withdrawal withdrawal would be like a fight. Or a criticism or a negative interaction. So complementing each other often, it's like making these little emotional deposits is into each other's bank account. And when that bank account gets full, you want to be close. You want to celebrate the relationship and nobody. Wants to have sex when they're feeling unsexy, nobody wants to have sex. When they're feeling stinky, when they're feeling frumpy, when they're feeling like Jabba the hut, they're like, ah, I don't feel good. You know, nobody wants to have sex when you're feeling like that. And so it's amazing how simply complementing your partner can help them connect to the sexy that they are, can help them connect to their own mentality of like, yeah.

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Number four is have romantic vacations. Now vacations can be. You go to Fiji, you go to the beach or the mountains for a week and it's romance and you're by the fire. You're laying out on the beach. It can be amazing, but romantic vacations can also be short little getaways as well. My wife and I in the winter, we, I had a work trip. To Phoenix. It was a one night work trip to go celebrate a client of mine who had a great win. So she came with me, we flew out and we stayed in this hotel and it became a romantic getaway for us because it was just chatting. It was just like, Oh my gosh, we don't have the kids around. Oh my gosh, it's just us. And, Oh my gosh, we're in this cool hotel. And it became a really sexy night simply because of the variety of change that we're experiencing. So big vacations. Yes. But make it a point to even get away for one night or two nights. And it can go a long way as well. Number five is giving each other back rubs. Now, actually, since reading this research, I've gotten better at the back rubs. I wasn't doing a lot of backwards. It was before. And let me tell you, it helps nonsexual, but sensual touch definitely stimulates the senses. If it's been awhile, since you've given your partner a backroad try it out and see what happens. Number six is six second passionate kissing. Yes. For no reason at all. This is one I found really interesting. This one comes out of a book called eight dates by dr. John Gottman. Who's one of the world's leading researchers on love and relationships and marriage. And he says this. He says we recommend a juicy six second kiss that would make your grandmother blush.

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When you kiss passionately, you set off a chemical cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that release dopamine. Increase oxytocin, both of which makes you feel really good. So I decided that I would try this one out and normally when I'm leaving for work, I'll give my wife a kiss. I'll say, I love you, but it's more of a short pack, you know, give her a little kiss and then go to work. And so there's one particular day. After reading this research, I came down and I grabbed her and I kissed her a six, second passionate, juicy kiss. And she looked at me in the eyes and she goes, wow, you really know how to make my knees go weak. And I'm feeling all manly in that moment. And then my three year old daughter who was in our, the high chair having breakfast. Daddy. I want one of those, like, Oh no, no, honey. You're just going to get a little pack that is for mommy and mommy alone. Okay. That's all right. Whatever kissed her went off to work, but notice often we'll kiss our partner on a daily basis, but it will be a short little kiss. Practice elongating that. And for no reason, isn't it all. Just holding that kiss a six second kiss and notice what, what happens to your biochemistry? Number seven is cuddle with one another. Every day, people went great sex lives cuddled with one another every day. In fact, only 6% of people, people who didn't cuddle had good sex lives. That means 94% of people who have good sex lives cuddle every single day. And this is interesting because when you're cuddling, it's that great reminder that no, we're not business partners. No, we're not just doing life and do an errands together. We actually love each other. We're actually attracted to one another because closeness begets closeness. And so make it a point to, in a cuddle and fall asleep together, whether you're going to cuddle and watch a show together, but make cuddling a higher priority and your relationship, and you will notice your sex life improve. Number eight, create a romantic date at least once a week. This is what I, I actually learned from America's greatest marriages. And it was backed up by this research that. When you're just starting to get to know one another and you're just starting dating. Dating is built into the process because you don't live together. You're not married. So dating is how you get to know one another. But after you get committed, you live together or you're married, dating. If you're not intentional. Can be very easy to let slip away and not do it in the relationship. Commit to dating. Don't stop dating. Let that be a part of your practice because dating fuels the connection. It fuels the lovemaking. It fuels that great relationship that you want to have. And number nine, make sex a priority and make it okay to talk about sex. Now you may have grown up in a household where it was taboo to talk about sex, but people who have great relationships and great sex lives, they're open about their sex lives. They're open to talking about it. One couple was talking about their sex life and they were talking about, wow, it has been too long. Since we've had sex, they got busy. One thing led to another, and it's been like a few weeks since they had sex. And so the wife said, honey, we need to connect. Not just mentally, not just emotionally. We need to connect physically as well. So when you go to work, I want you to come home during lunch time because we are going to have a quickie and the husband was like, you bet I am coming home. I'll be home. And so what I love about that is they prioritize. Sex that physical connection is so important. So let it be okay to talk about sex. And if you haven't done it in a while, prioritize it. Even if it's just a quickie and number 10 have great sex lives are open to a variety of activities. They're open to trying new things in their sex life to keep that variety and to keep it interesting. You know, if you have breakfast every day, And all you have every single day is an omelet day in, day out that omelet, it's going to get boring. You're going to want something different. You're going to want some oatmeal. You're going to want some pancakes. You're going to want a fritatta something different than just that dang omelet. And that's what they have found that people who have great sex lives. They're willing to try on different things. They're willing to try new stuffs, whether that's wearing new lingerie or whether that's role-playing with one another trying new positions, trying different rooms in the house, whatever it is that you're open to that variety keeps the satisfaction level. Hi. So those are the tenants factors that create a healthy sex life.


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Have you ever had that falling in love experience where your mind is absolutely compelled to think about that person when you're not with that person, your heart just aches, like you feel Paul, do you feel this massive desire there to be with this person? And this person becomes the most important person in your life at that moment? Well, love is incredibly powerful. This last week I was watching the cartoon version of sword in the stone where Merlin the magician is tutoring and mentoring King Arthur. When little Arthur is a boy around eight or 10 years old. And so Merlin. In this tutoring process changes little Arthur into a bird, into a squirrel and into a fish to give him these different experiences. And when little Arthur is a squirrel, he meets a female squirrel and the female squirrel falls in love with the little boys, squirrel Arthur and just snuggling him and kissing him. And yeah, after the experience is over in Merlin and Arthur turned back into human beings. They're walking away and little Arthur goes, Merlin is love stronger than gravity. And Merlin says, well, it's way I, it is. In fact, I think the love might just be lead the most powerful force in the universe. And I love that statement because I believe that's true. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. And when you and I are falling in love, Our brains go haywire. We feel compel.

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That feels like an addiction to be with that person. In fact, they've taken brain scans of a person in love and the same area of their brain lights up as the person who's smoking crack cocaine, it can feel like this addiction. And so what I wanted to share five factors that can actually invoke that feeling in a man to be with you. That feeling of desire, the feeling of longing, that feeling of. Him being addicted to you, not in a bad way or a negative compulsory way, but in a way that's actually healthy and draws him to you like a magnet. So here are five factors that make him addicted to you. So when we feel this addiction for someone, when we're really falling in love with him, there's this great crave that we have for them. So I took the word crave and I created an acronym for you. I love this word. I created a brand new acronym for you to encompass these five factors that make him addicted to you. So let's take a look at the, see the season stands for continue living your great life. Why would I say continue living your great life? Because when we fall in love with somebody, the most natural human response is, want to clear our life to make room for that person and not just make room for them, but make them the most important person in your life. How many times have you had a friend who fell in love with someone and then. You never saw that friend again, like it disappeared, like where did this first and all there with her boyfriend or would there with her girlfriend. And so they've completely lost themselves. They've lost their life. There's a couple benefits of continuing to live your great life. The greatest benefit is that you become more scarce when you've got a great life and you continue to live it, you don't blow your friends off. You still see your friends, you still go to the gym, you still do your creative projects. You still bring in and share your creativity to the world and the way you do when you continue to do that, you're less available. And human nature is we want more of what there's less of. The reason diamonds are so valuable is because they're rare. We want them more because there's less of them. And so when you're going to go on a day with him, avoid the temptation to turn it into a marathon date, even if he asks and just say yes, yes, yes. And do an all day day. Instead when you're going to go on a date with him, plan something for after the day with your friends, plan something with your family planning, something right. That you would love to do. So you have something to go to quick example of this. In my twenties, I met a wonderful woman. We ended up doing a date and morning date. We went to the Rose parade in Portland, Oregon. It was super fun. We're watching the floats go by. I'm having a blast with this one. We're having a great time. I'm like, Hey, you know what? We didn't plan for this, but you want to go grab some food? Let's go grab lunch. Did you go? Sure. So we go, we have a great lunch. And then after the launch, I feel like I continue to want to hang out with her. And so I say, you know what? Let's hang out tonight. Like, let's go dancing tonight. There's a couple of clubs we could go to. What'd he say, and she she's like, yeah, that sounds fun. So we left, we showered up, we got some food and then we met backup for dancing and we danced for hours. And while it was a good time by the end of the night, how do you guess that? I was feeling, I was super full of that experience by the end, the night I was like, okay, I'm good. Like. I was actually ready to not see her anymore. I had overindulged in that Dave it's like going to a buffet then while all the food looks good. If you eat all the food at once, how do you feel? You feel stuffed. You actually don't even, you don't feel good and you don't want to continue to eat. So I think I went out with her like one other time, but. But I was done. And so I don't know what would have happened if we would have spread it out. But I do know this, I would have gone on many more dates. I would have definitely gave that relationship a much better chance than if I had just binged on the first date. So avoid binge dating and instead, spread it out and plan something after the date to make yourself more scarce, not in a game playing way. But continue to live your best life is a natural, healthy way that you're actually less available and you will stoke his addiction. His desire, his craving for you R stands for respect your boundaries. See whether you know it or not. You've got boundaries. You've got standards for what it takes for man to be your boyfriend for man, to kiss you for man, to spend the night with you, for man to sleep with you. All of these things there that I call boyfriend privileges, you have your own standards and boundaries. The challenge is when we fall in love with someone there's a chemical rush in our brain that has happens. That gives a false sense of trust. And we feel often wanting, we feel like we want to throw those boundaries out. The windows say I'm in, and there's this desire to get into. What's called an instant relationship. You want to avoid that and know that your mind isn't really your best friend in this moment. And I'll give him the chance to earn your trust by maintaining your boundaries. Yes. And so as he earns your trust and burns his way into this relationship with you is Stokes his own disease, Zaire to be with you.

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Now let's talk about a, a stands for ask for what you want. See, your ask is incredibly powerful. Your ask is beautiful. You have got a sexy ask. And what am I referring to? I'm referring to you asking for what you want. That desire, because guess what, when you say, would you be willing to do this, or I would love it. If you would do this, your ass ask is a little mission for him. And when he accomplishes this mission, he gets a boost. Of dopamine. He gets this, Bruce, this rush a few good chemicals for him and it doesn't have to be big. It can be something you're asked, could be, Hey, you know, I would really love it. If you'd rub my feet tonight, would you be willing to do that or I'm really craving sushi? Do you think you could take me out or, you know what? I really want to play some cards. Can we create a game night? Would you do that for me? Those little asks when he accomplishes that. And he sees the look of satisfaction on your face. That is incredibly powerful for man. Let me tell you this. There is nothing more desirable for a man than the look of a satisfied woman's face. So remember this, you have a sexy ass. Give him the mission to complete so that when he does, he can see that satisfied face. The V in crave stands for validate your interest in him. You see, so often women are very scarce, very frugal with showing that they actually like a guy because they don't want to be seen as either too easy or flirt or a tease or any of that stuff. But they miss the point that he actually needs to feel your desire for him to stoke his desire for you. So let it be okay in the combination here, correct? You've respecting your boundaries combined with validating your interest in him. That combination is incredibly powerful because that combination creates polarity.

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So while you have your boundaries and he understands what those are at the same time, you're letting him know that you find him fascinating. Do you find it interesting that you find him sexy? All of that is awesome. And stoking his desire craving you, having this addiction for you. I'll give you an example. Let's say that you've got some ice cream and you're dating someone who is really just loves ice cream. And so you're going to validate your interest in sharing your ice cream with this person you're dating. And you're saying, you know what? You are so cool. You're so fascinating. I love how your mind works. I would love to see you share this ice cream with you. I would really love to share this ice cream with you, but. This ice cream is not quite ready yet. This ice cream needs to go in the freezer versus ice cream needs solidify. If you know what I mean, and we need one more thing we need is a spoon that you and I can share this ice cream with. We need a golden spoon, the spoon that has not been dipping in other buckets of ice cream right now that will only be monogamous to this button of ice cream. And if we share that spoon with this ice cream, it's going to be the best ice cream you have ever had. And your entire life. And when you do that, you better believe that when you do share that ice cream with him, it will be the best ice cream he has ever had. And the anticipation will be hi. Hi, and the E in crave stands for eliminate self-doubt. You know, so easy to get into self doubt and to think that you might not be sexy enough, or you might not be smart enough, or you might not be young enough, or you might not be enough in some way. The paradigm loves to prey on us in those ways to say, you're not enough when you hear that, kick it to the curb. Eliminate it. And remind yourself that you are enough. You are sexy enough. You are beautiful enough. You are smart enough. You know, because it's that self doubt that begets self doubt. When you're in self doubt, it's contagious and it filters into him and it will fill your man with self doubt. But instead claim your own worthiness, know that. Now there might be a part of you that says self doubt, but there's a part of you that believes you are worthy. It's the part of you that got you read this article right now? That knows that you're worthy enough to invest in yourself, to grow yourself and to learn and so own that for yourself, know that you are worthy. You are sexy, you are beautiful. You are enough for this incredible relationship. And here's, what's great when you've come from that place in, you have those impressions, that desire in him for you. And it's the sweetest experience for a man to love on a woman who owns her work, not in a conceited way, but in an authentic way, because she owns her worth. She can respect his worth and it's a beautiful coming together. So there you have it, five factors that create addiction in him for you. What I would love to hear from you. Is what have you done? What are the kinds of strategies or the behaviors that you do that, you know, ignite addiction in your man for you, or ignite him to crave you?