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I'm going to Hookup Parma share with you a story, and then I've got a question for you. I'd love your opinion on something. So I'm a junior in high school, on the football team and it's after practice. And I get slammed up against the locker because simply I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, walking by one of the biggest linebackers on our team who just. Didn't happen to like me and this guy was one of those bully kind of guys. Like he would just kind of rough everyone up, bully everybody. He was a great player on the team, but so was I, I was offense. He was defense. He just didn't like me and I never was able to really connect with this guy, even though I wanted to, I wanted to connect with the people on my team and it was just for whatever reason could never really connect with him. Well, we had a really good team. We went on to the, the playoffs and we're planning this massive playoff game. And imagine we're in this huge stadium and the lights are coming down. We're playing at night and we've got crowds, people cheering and yelling. We're pouring our heart out in this. It's a tough game.
We're just giving it Hookup Parma everything we've got. And at the end of the game, We lose by two points and I'm devastated. Like my heart is broken that our football season is over. We had a chance to go further than that and we failed. We didn't make it. And so I'm in the bathroom, all of my gear, my football gear, and I'm just crying. Like I'm just letting it out. My heart is broken. I'm reaping tears, streaming down my face and all of a sudden the door bus open. And I turn, I look and it's the linebacker. Now imagine how I felt in that moment. How would you feel in that moment? Like, it was one of the, I didn't want to be caught crying. I didn't want to be there standing next to this guy. It was clear that I was crying. It was one of those moments. You try to hide, you wish you could hide because you're crying, but you can't. My eyes Hookup Parma are all puffy and red. And so I turn and I face him and he's looking at me. What do you think he's thinking in that moment? What would you do in that moment? I'm going to pause right there. And I've got a question for you. And the question is, is vulnerability good or bad? Because often in relationships, what I've learned over the years of coaching women is one of the hardest things to do is to become vulnerable. And yet vulnerability is actually the doorway to connection, but vulnerability being good or bad when you look the definition of vulnerability or being vulnerable, In the dictionary.
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Here's what you find Hookup Parma. Number one is capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt as by a weapon. Number two, open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, et cetera. Or number three of a place open to assault or difficult to defend. So we have these associations with vulnerability, with pain, right. Being open to being wounded or being open to being attacked. And who wants that? Who wants that level of pain and even on a date like you might say, well, being vulnerable is risky, Matt, because what if the guy doesn't like it? What if he thinks I'm weak? What if he thinks I'm stupid? What if he thinks like I'm no good. And what I've learned over the years is that. It's actually vulnerability. That connects us it's vulnerability. That is the doorway to true connection. And I learned this the hard way, because for years through my twenties, I had what I called a looking good program or it's the perfection program. And it's that it's that paradigm or that belief that in order to really connect with others in order to be. Accepted by others, which we all want. You want to be accepted. I want to be accepted. You want to be loved. I want to be loved. It's the human condition. And we all have our strategies for how to, to give love and both receive love. And I had a paradigm that in order to be loved and be accepted. I had to be perfect. And so I put on this looking good program that everything was great. I wanted to be seen as popular. I wanted it to be seen as successful. I wanted to be seen as smart and be seen as funny. And I wouldn't share any of the struggles, any of the weaknesses that were going on with me. And I learned the hard way. That true connection actually comes through not being perfect. You can still strive for excellence. You can still reach for greatness, but also sharing the weaknesses. Also sharing the vulnerabilities, you know, who talks about this really well in this day and age right now is Bernay. And one of her articles, she says this in the research, there's a significant difference between perfectionism and healthy, striving, or striving for excellence.
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Perfectionism is Hookup Parma the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame. Judgment and shame. Perfectionism is a 20 ton shield. We look around thinking it will protect us when in fact it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen. And that was exactly my experience. Trying to be perfect, trying to look at it as like this shield that I was holding up that would get heavier and heavier. And it was really the thing that was preventing me from having, I think, real connection with other people. So how can you be vulnerable in a relationship and really share yourself and create that deep connection? Well, I'm going to give you a couple of tools right here. Number one is you want to share something vulnerable with someone who's earned the right to hear it. Number one, if you don't trust the person who's going to protect you or be, uh, honoring or respectful of the information you're going to share with them, don't share it with them. But often you're in a relationship and you can tell the person is caring. You can tell the person is compassionate. And so when you're in that scenario, there's a couple of really great phrases that you can use to prime the person to hear something vulnerable. And those phrases are number one. Can I share something vulnerable with you? And that is a pattern interrupt. Most people don't share that. Most people don't say that my wife, the other night we were cooking or she was cooking actually. And I had the kids and we got in the kitchen to try to help and try to make something else. And it's this little kitchen and she just got. Overwhelmed. And she exploded on us and she was like, get out of the kitchen. I am cooking. And she kind of booted us out and it wasn't really her best moment. The other night. And 10 minutes later, she came to me with tears in her eyes and she said, can I be vulnerable with you? And immediately sort of the anger that I had about that moment, I was like, gosh, you know, melted away. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, I just want you to know I am so overwhelmed right now. And honestly I'm scared of whether or not I even have. What it takes to be a mom. We have a four year old, we have one and a half year old. We have a baby and I'm like, I don't even know how I can do this. I'm just scared.
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And so I'm sorry. I exploded. It was in that vulnerable moment that we really connected Hookup Parma all the resentment, all the anger washed away. And we were able to forge a bond in that moment. So the phrase. Can I share something vulnerable with you is a great and powerful phrase. The second phrase you can use is can real with you. And the person is like, yeah, everyone, when someone said, can I be real with you? They're like, yeah. And then you can say something like, yeah, I was really nervous getting ready for this date tonight because. And then just share that bit of vulnerability, a couple of topics that you can use regarding vulnerability. If you're like, well, what am I going to share is talk about a challenge that you're facing right now, or talk about it, dream that you have, that you don't share with everybody. Again, when the person has earned this, this is a full proof way to create a bond. With your man, because remember his vulnerability that let someone really see you, see your emotions, see your hopes, your dreams, what's right. Really going on for you. And so there I was in the back bathroom with puffy red eyes too. You're streaming down my face in my football uniform, standing right in front of the linebacker who had bullied me all season long. And so I just stood there and showed him my state. Unapologetic for crying unapologetic for having the passion unapologetic as tears just streaming down my face and he walked up to me face to face and he hugged me and he grabbed me and he just held me tight. And then tears started to stream down his face and he began to cry. And here we were, these two men experiencing this moment together, both willing to be vulnerable. And I'll tell you what that moment created a friendship in us that lasted for many, many years beyond that moment. So vulnerability is not easy. Vulnerability requires courage. And so I have a challenge for you. Are you willing to be, be more vulnerable? What would being 10% more yeah. Vulnerable in your life Hookup Parma? Look like my question for you is this. If you were to be more vulnerable, what relationship. Would be served by your vulnerability right now. If you were to share how you really felt, if you were to share what was really going on for you, what relationship would you choose to share that with?